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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Mr Money Mustache Fired His Accountant for not Retiring Early

Mr. Money Mustache fired his accountant for refusing to retire early. Humor. #FIRE #FIREcommunity #earlyretirement #retirement #financialindependence #humor #funny #comedy #MMM #mrmoneymustache #firedIn a breaking news story sure to rock the FIRE (financial independence/retire early) community, Mr. Money Mustache (MMM) has fired his accountant for refusing to take early retirement.

You may recall Mr. Mustache is the leader of this massive FIRE movement sweeping the planet. Suze Orman has never been the same since she said she “hates, hates, hates” the FIRE movement. Now it has come to light the leader of the New World Order has ordered the hit on his now former accountant for refusing to take a knee prior to normal retirement age for a public official (age 55). 

His former accountant, aka The Wealthy Accountant (TWA), kept a stiff upper lip when he broke the news earlier this year. However, the paparazzi knew something was afoot when Mr. Accountant had a tear at the corner of his eye. 

A secret recording — actually, an illegal wiretap — revealed MMM putting the thumbscrews to TWA. That poor (relatively speaking) accountant cried out like a stuck pig. (He does come from a farming background so what else would you expect.)

The wiretap revealed MMM demanding his accountant take an early retirement while it could still be considered “early”. You can hear the accountant’s refusal through racking sobs. God help us if the recording is ever released.

After TWA regained his composure he tried to reason with MMM. He said, “If I retire who will do your tax return?”

MMM never missed a beat. “Once you retire I start work on the IRS auditors. Once they retire early then I’ll get every government official to retire early. Then . . . ”

“. . . we’ll have anarchy,” I finished the sentence.

And that is where we stand. One unemployed accountant (not technically retired) is trying to pull the pieces together. He stands hunched over most of the time now until he notices someone watching. Then he straightens up with his shoulders back, facing up slightly, staring into the distance. It would be a thing of beauty if it wasn’t so sad.

 

If anyone thinks this is a serious post come over here so I can slap you. The idea was for a humorous post with the FIRE community center stage in the flavor of The Onion. We can call our production The Turnip: Just like The Onion, only tastes better.

Now it is your turn. Share a funny news headline about our demographic in the comments. Add a short story if you want. (Keep it clean. This is a family restaurant.) 

Finally, I hope your summer is going great! Let’s have some wonderful midsummer fun (at our own expense). 

 

 

More Wealth Building Resources

Credit Cards can be a powerful money management tool when used correctly. Use this link to find a listing of the best credit card offers. You can expand your search to maximize cash and travel rewards.

Personal Capital is an incredible tool to manage all your investments in one place. You can watch your net worth grow as you reach toward financial independence and beyond. Did I mention Personal Capital is free?

Side Hustle Selling tradelines yields a high return compared to time invested, as much as $1,000 per hour. The tradeline company I use is Tradeline Supply Company. Let Darren know you are from The Wealthy Accountant. Call 888-844-8910, email Darren@TradelineSupply.com or read my review.

Medi-Share is a low cost way to manage health care costs. As health insurance premiums continue to sky rocket, there is an alternative preserving the wealth of families all over America. Here is my review of Medi-Share and additional resources to bring health care under control in your household.

QuickBooks is a daily part of life in my office. Managing a business requires accurate books without wasting time. QuickBooks is an excellent tool for managing your business, rental properties, side hustle and personal finances.

cost segregation study can reduce taxes $100,000 for income property owners. Here is my review of how cost segregation studies work and how to get one yourself.

Worthy Financial offers a flat 5% on their investment. You can read my review here. 

Free Tickets to Any NFL Game for You!

Learn the secret to scoring free tickets to any game at any time. Enjoy football, soccer, hockey, baseball or basketball from the inside. You and your friends will have the best time ever! #wealthyaccountant #hockey #football #free #tickets #basketball #baseball I preempt our regular programming. I had an awesome post planned for today, but then my oldest daughter returned from college and told me something that made my mouth sweat. (You can enjoy the planned awesome post Thursday.)

Regular readers may remember I swore off commercial television decades ago, including my beloved football (not to be confused with soccer, my non-North American friends). Still, football is a massive part of the backwoods lifestyle of Phuket, Wisconsin. (Can you blame us? It’s all we have! Either that or admiring our frozen tundra.)

Now I know what you’re thinking. You like football and if you enjoy the sport you should be able to enjoy the sport. I agree. But readers around here are frugal and it takes a king’s ransom to get into the game! If you’re lucky enough to be in the 1% it’s still affordable, but if you’re in the 1% somebody else paid for those tickets or you don’t attend such extravagant events. Paying for NFL game tickets is for the 99% and chumps.

You can blame this post on procrastination. All weekend I kept promising myself I’d write Monday’s post early and get a jump-start on posts for when I was at FinCon in a few weeks. Instead, I focused my attention on YouTube videos of the Red Green Show. I think you’d agree it was a good trade-off.

Before We Get Our Free Tickets

I’m writing this late Sunday night (because I never wait until the last minute to write what needs to be published Monday). The Packers are playing the Bears in the late game. Yes, I’m missing all the action once again. But my daughter’s words echoed in my mind: free Packers tickets.

If you gave me free tickets to an NFL game I’d sell them. I have never—and never will—watch an NFL game at a stadium. If God hates me I might end up forced to watch a commercial laden television broadcast at the family Thanksgiving gathering.

Score free tickets to any sporting event you want. Planning is simple and fun. You might even get paid to attend a football, soccer, basketball or baseball game. #wealthyaccountant #free #football #baseball #soccer #basketball #tickets One reason I’ll never watch a game at Lambeau Field is because I heard they play the commercials in the stadium to all the chumps who coughed up serious change to attend. Is there any way to avoid this garbage? You can correct me in the comments, but it;s what I’ve heard.

Deep down I secretly hope the Packers get clobbered early in the season. It is soooooo annoying listening to the nonstop football discussion as if it makes any difference. I hear it at the office, from family, clients, at the gym while lifting weights and worst of all, in the friggen steam room at the gym when I just want to do is unwind. (FYI: I can’t name the coach or a single player on the team.)

Yes, I defend your right to watch any sport you want; I just don’t want to hear about it.

And my dream came true! Due to the nugget of knowledge imbued by my daughter I was interested enough to check Yahoo Sports to see how the Packers are doing tonight and they are getting gutted 20 to nothing. Hahahahahah!

Ah, the gym will be so quiet tomorrow as the proletariat licks their wounds as I workout. (Okay, smartass! I procrastinated more than you thought. I saw the 20-0 score on Yahoo and went back to enjoying Red Green. Then I vomited a little in my mouth when I went back and saw the final score. Looks like a mass shooting is a high probability at a gym near a certain accountant’s establishment. God, how I dream of the time each year when the Packers are out of the playoffs.)

By now you’re probably wondering if I have the goods. I do. The reason I tell you all this stuff is because the information I need to impart takes all of 15 words to explain and I have column inches to fill. This is powerful information and needed dissemination. So, on to the meat of our presentation.

How to Snag Free Tickets to Any NFL Game

Once again, I don’t have insider information on any of this so you just have to trust me.

Football tickets are expensive. I’m guessing they run a hundred bucks or so per person, plus parking, program (do they charge for those things or even still have them?) and food. They probably charge to use the restroom.

Attend any sporting event free with this little known secret. Planning is important. You and your friends can enjoy any football game for free. You might even get paid to see the Super Bowl. #wealthyaccountant #superbowl #sports #sportingevent #planning #americanfootballThis is serious ka-ching. The kids have to stay home at these prices or dad would be set back a thousand smackeroos or more!

No more procrastinating. What I discovered is more than free tickets to any NFL game; you actually get paid to go to the game!

It works like this. Game day is a messy experience. Stadiums need to keep on top of the garbage intoxicated fans keeps throwing everywhere other than the waste basket so they pay people to come to the game and tidy up.

Each team is different, I’m sure. But all teams have the same problem and need to keep things tidy on game day. And this is where my daughter came in.

The secret she told me was PTK (Heather is a smarty pants and is the VP of the Wisconsin PTK) sends people to Packer games all season to raise money for the organization. For the Packers at least, you need at least 10 people to attend during the game. I was told the group was paid ~$800 for 5 hours of time during the game and they actually get to see some of the game (always a downside).

For frugal people like you this is a monster idea! Not only can you save hundreds on an expensive habit, you actually have a very part-time side gig! Aren’t you excited?

There is a potential catch. I’m unsure if only non-profit organizations are allowed to do this. But that is a small speed bump people for folks as intelligent as the people around here. Heck, you can gather your buddies from the tavern league to get the requisite 10 people. (Hey, if you consider NFL tickets an acceptable expense you also probably spend crazy amounts of money on watered down hooch at the local tavern.)

Game Plan

Every team in every major sport probably has a similar program. If you really do love the sport, this is a good way to support your team while enjoying the game from the inside. Rather than crack open your wallet for an expensive outing, consider participating. You can attend the game for free and get paid!

Yes, you don’t get to enjoy those very comfortable seats. Instead, you can walk around as you enjoy the game. When you see trash blowing around you pick it up and put it where it belongs. As a responsible citizen you do that anyway. Right?

Regardless your sport of choice, check into this nugget of information. Check what the rules are for your favorite team. You can earn a few dollars while enjoying a great time out with friends. If it requires a non-profit, join one. Then volunteer. The organization probably keeps the money, but so what? You help a good cause while getting free entertainment. Think of all the fun.

Disclaimer

I know I was facetious in this post. It was about the only way to write it. Just because I walked away from spectator sports decades ago is no reason you can’t enjoy the game. I made my choice; you should make yours without regard to a crazy accountant’s personal decisions. The idea is short, sweet and to the point. But sporting events are expensive and this information can make game day more fun than ever, raise money for a cause (or you) and allow you free attendance.

My choices are different than yours. You can maintain a frugal lifestyle while enjoying the good things in life. I bet helping out on game day would make the game even more pleasurable. It is different than passively sitting in a chair and watching the game. You can be part of the team effort.

Honestly, I enjoy the excitement the guys at the gym express when the Packers are doing well. I don’t watch, but still cheer on the home team. I only know the name of one player. (Rogers is still the quarterback, right?)

Spending money is okay, no matter what you’ve heard. Overspending is a different story. Professional sports can set you back serious coin. Especially while you are reducing debt and building toward financial independence, you should focus on reducing spending. Now you can keep spending low as you build your wealth and enjoy the things you like in life.

And I saw the Packers eked out a close one. Must have been a nail biter. The guys at the gym will be excited. I’ll be excited for them, too. Go Packers! Even if I never see a game this year.

 

More Wealth Building Resources

Personal Capital is an incredible tool to manage all your investments in one place. You can watch your net worth grow as you reach toward financial independence and beyond. Did I mention Personal Capital is free?

Side Hustle Selling tradelines yields a high return compared to time invested, as much as $1,000 per hour. The tradeline company I use is Tradeline Supply Company. Let Darren know you are from The Wealthy Accountant. Call 888-844-8910, email Darren@TradelineSupply.com or read my review.

Medi-Share is a low cost way to manage health care costs. As health insurance premiums continue to sky rocket, there is an alternative preserving the wealth of families all over America. Here is my review of Medi-Share and additional resources to bring health care under control in your household.

QuickBooks is a daily part of life in my office. Managing a business requires accurate books without wasting time. QuickBooks is an excellent tool for managing your business, rental properties, side hustle and personal finances.

A cost segregation study can save $100,000 for income property owners. Here is my review of how cost segregations studies work and how to get one yourself.

Worthy Financial offers a flat 5% on their investment. You can read my review here. 

Here is How You Can Piss Off Donald Trump

Disclaimer: This is not a political rant! The time is ripe for this message and Trump happens to be President. It is meant as satire wrapped around a serious message you must follow or suffer the financial consequences.

Nothing is more fun than good times. The recent run in the stock market in nothing short of incredible. After years of slow growth economy and low inflation coupled with a rising stock market, the stock market has exploded. The chart has gone parabolic! But this is not a story about investing or the stock market, however. This story is about pissing off Donald Trump.

Promises of faster economic growth and more high paying jobs face reality after Election Day. President Trump has hitched his wagon to a promise of hyper economic growth, in the neighborhood of 4% or higher. Depending on the day, a lot higher. I’m guessing if things go well we can see wages double every three, maybe four, years. And the best part, no inflation while the government pays off the national debt and increases spending across the board. Such are the promises of politicians.

And in these “best of times” you think it will last forever. Think 1929 or 1987 or 1999. Oh, for the heady days on 1999 when broad stock indexes sported triple digit P/E ratios. How can you lose? The future is clear to the horizon. Life is good, just ask the government.

But you don’t like President Trump. Even those two words together turn your stomach. How can a misogynistic scoundrel, Russia loving, Mexican wall building, China hating, swindler like that be President? He said nasty things about your mother and you are not having it. You want to hurt the bastard (without going to jail). How dare he win an election without winning the popular vote! It isn’t fair! Do I have to write every sentence with an exclamation point? Guess not.

There has to be a way to rip the façade off the man who insults women and every known ethnic group. The only (somewhat) sacred demographic is white middle aged men and it is starting to look like a gay pride parade around here. Which, when you think of it, is another group the Trump camp hates! Your blood boils as you plot your revenge. You can hurt him. You can hurt the whole crowd of miscreants in the White House.

You begin to formulate a plan. A plan so devious they would give you the chair for it. (Actually, it might be a very nice, custom-made chair perfect for the sitting room, but I digress.) You can’t shoot the guy. They whoop up on ya pretty bad when you do stuff like that. Besides, the guy is too stupid to suffer as he goes so it is a nonstarter. You want something that hurts the bastard day after day with grinding and gnashing of teeth where he burns in hell forever and ever, suffering and screaming and . . .  ahhhhhhh!!!

I scared myself.

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Frugal

Then it occurs to you. You know exactly what you will do to punish the man who insulted the woman who brought you into this world. What you have planned is so devious even the devil himself will quake in your presence. You finally figured out how you can piss off Donald Trump daily till his dying breath.

President Trump prides himself a deal maker, an uber-successful business owner. Take away the one thing he prides himself in and you rip his identity from his skull and trample it in the gutter of flowing raw sewage. (Wow. Even I am impressed by my contorted words of bitterness. Look out Stephen King, you have competition.)

The plan is simple and costs less than nothing. All you do is stop spending. Only the most basic of needs are satiated. Debt is retired, bills are paid and then spending grinds to a halt. You start biking to work and preparing your own meals. The massive pile of cash you accumulate needs a home so you invest it in index funds. (You thought of buying gold, but your tax guy told you gold is not a good long-term investment so you took his advice and bought Vanguard index funds, you sly dog you.)

Your solo efforts are too small to dent the economy so you enlist an army to march to war against or the orange haired menace. You start a blog and preach early retirement, saving, investing, legal tax reduction and frugality. It starts slow at first, but before long the message spreads. Soon thousands, then tens of thousands, then hundreds of thousands, nay, millions of faithful followers heed your message of responsible spending and saving.

It becomes a cult for fucks sake! God help us all.

Only a few years into his Presidency, Donald Trump faces economic headwinds like never before. The economic effects were impossible to ignore. Household debt declines to levels not seen since the 19th Century. Yes, 19th Century. Interest rates and inflation remain low with the newfound frugal habits of respectable men and women the world over.

Jobs growth slows; GDP declines. You achieved your goal. You managed to piss off Donald Trump without breaking a single law. Not a one! (Well, okay. Except for the time you spray painted an orange mustache on a Trump election campaign poster. But, hey. It’s only illegal if ya get caught. Right? Oh, piss off, as our good friends in the UK would say.)

You grin with inner pride as you single handedly mount a worldwide army to destroy the menace from 5th Avenue. You secretly rejoice as the Republicans in Congress buzz like bees over the economic catastrophe.

Then the best part of all starts: 3 a.m. tweets! President Trump is so mad he can spit nails. The government is so pissed at you they forget about Snowden and put all their efforts against you. Trump demands you be brought before him.

People either love you or hate you. Half the world wants to protect you and crown you king while the other half want to mails little, itty-bitty pieces of you to the White House as a gift to the commander-in-chief.

Reaching your goal of pissing off Donald Trump sounded a lot more fun until he issued a fatwa against you via a Twitter storm. Why is he so pissed at me? you complain. All I did was tell people to pay their bills, retire debt and live the good life. I’m the good guy!!!

Run as hard as you may, the masses of faithful found you tucked away in your hole behind the farmhouse. They dragged your sorry ass into the sunlight to be exposed for the fraud you are. They stuff you into an SUV (a fucking gas-guzzling SUV!) and drive you to the capitol.

It is a long drive from Wisconsin to Washington D.C.  Crowds line the road all the way cheering their support. As you recount all your actions your heart sinks lower and lower. This is how it ends, you think to yourself. All you did was tell people to spend less than they earn, save, invest and act responsibly. Why do you have to suffer the consequences for your actions? Why?

The Big House

The brainwashed followers of President Trump grab you by either arm and direct you into the Oval Office. You are not getting away. When you see the great orange haired narcissistic demagogue you fall to your knees and start bawling, “I don’t wanna diiiiiiiie!” You inch forward on your knees until you are at the President’s feet.

You reach out and hug his left leg like a dog greeting his master coming home from a long day of work. You contemplate kissing his shoes, but decide a long painful death was more palatable than kissing Donald Trump’s loafers. It was a close decision, yet one you were still fully capable of making and adhering to.

Your world and life was at an end. A sort of calm came over you as you realized how quiet the room was. You stop sobbing, out of tears to shed. You accept your fate. It is then you realize you deserve everything you get. Telling people to save and pay off debt. Really! What the fuck were you thinking? It’s un-American!

New York Times

Special Edition

March 3, 2217

 

Today is the 200th anniversary of one of the most bizarre events in American history. A wealthy accountant from the backwoods of Wisconsin started a war against then President Donald Trump. He built an army of followers who cut their spending, saving and investing the difference.

President Trump knew his plan to build walls and raise tariffs would never work. When it looked like all his plans would fail, a savior rose from the backwaters of this great nation making America, yes, even the world, great again.

The message of this accountant resonated with the masses sick of living under the yoke of debt and poverty. He taught the people spending was the problem, not income. People started living better than ever before in history after his campaign of terror set the world free at last.

President Trump had no idea where the money would come from for his massive infrastructure rebuilding plans. More public debt or Federal Reserve money printing would only make matters worse. Then this crazy accountant came out of nowhere and saved the whole thing from collapse. All the saving people did provided the funding for the programs to make the human race great again.

Never before in history did people bike so much and eat healthier. People worked less and had more. The economy purred like a kitten. Before long debt collapsed around the world as people and nations discovered a new economic model that was sustainable. The world changed that day for the better.

Today we remember an American hero who showed us the way 200 years ago. Today in history, a wealthy accountant received the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

[Footnote: Conspiracy theorists claim the wealthy accountant was sobbing and groveling at the President’s feet prior to receiving the highest honor a President can bestow upon a civilian. This journalist finds that to be the crazy talk of radicals trying to sully the good name of a wealthy accountant who happened to live in Wisconsin 200 years ago. Never forget what he did for us.]

Serious endnote: I am writing this as the stock market roars higher and the promise of accelerating economic growth is in the air. This is a dangerous time. I’m not talking about the stock market; I am talking about your spending habits. Don’t drink the Kool-Aid. Going back to old spending and consumption habits will come home to roost later. If anything, now is the opportunity to double down on your wealth building program. Pay down debt if you have any. Max out tax advantaged accounts. Don’t worry about the current level of the market. There will be a times when it goes down a lot. As always, it will also rebound to new highs. Excess spending is a 100% loss you never come back from so keep a tight lid on consumption.

Finally, if you are in or near retirement, now is the time to fill the short-term fund to maximum. You should have at least two years of spending minimum in a safe short-term fund. Money markets, guaranteed bank deposits and short maturity Treasury bills will do the trick. Enjoy the ride.

The Tax Loophole You Never Thought Of

al_capone_in_floridaWhen someone in the local area makes the news for embezzlement it is not a matter of if they will show up at my office, it is a matter of when they show up. The same scenario plays out every time. Someone gets caught with her fingers in the cookie jar (usually for gambling) and charges are filed. The district attorney prosecutes the case. (Embezzlement cases make the news and the district attorney is a politician who can’t help getting on her knees to earn some votes.)

Most embezzlement cases end with a conviction, or more often, a plea agreement. The accused is eager to make a deal that keeps her out of prison. The DA and judge soil themselves with the familiar sentencing template. The defense attorney has no choice but to recommend her client goes along with the deal to stay out of jail.

I see the same agreements again and again. The prosecutor demands a brutal repayment plan to the victim, the judge rubber stamps the deals and the accused jumps up screaming, “I’ll take it!”

Then the IRS letter arrives three weeks later and the house of cards is ready to fall. Ill gotten gains, you see, are still required to be reported as income and the IRS watches these financial crimes cases very closely. When the defendant loses or takes a knee the IRS swoops in for their share of the pickings. All that unreported income is now taxed with penalty and interest added. And no money to pay for it.

The court ordered payments are mandatory for the accused to stay out of jail. The IRS doesn’t care. They have a spotless record of killing the goose that lays the golden egg. First the IRS demands payment, a payment which can’t be made because all income is diverted to the court to reimburse the victim. But don’t count the IRS out so fast. They have more power than any rinky-dink state court. The IRS is part of the Treasury Department which is part of the federal bureaucracy. Now they have power.

The defendant has no power! She has to pay the court ordered payments or go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200 (and if you have $200, please send it to . . .) Then the IRS gets sick of waiting for their money so they levy bank accounts (which are empty) and garnish the paycheck. Now the defendant has no money to pay the court ordered restitution.

This is where I pick up a new client because no other firm in town wants them. Oh, and they have so much money to pay my fee.

They Took Down Al Capone

But this isn’t a story about embezzlement and the consequences; it is about getting caught. Al Capone had a criminal organization to die for. Many did. Al knew how to get the job done. He embezzled, of course, and murdered, bootlegged, racketeered (I love that word. It would be awesome to go through life telling people I was convicted of racketeering. Nobody knows what it really is, but it sure as hell sounds cool), and bought off the police (not a hard thing to do).

The law couldn’t get a charge to stick until they called in Elliot Ness. Now Ness was with the Treasury Department, you know, the feds. Now those boys know how to get shit done. The reason is simple. The government doesn’t really care if you get murdered or beat up. That’s your problem. They only care if it feathers their cap or gives them political capital. But if you take a penny from the government you better bring the jar of Vaseline with you; you’re going to need it.

What is due to the state pay as quickly as you can, and you will never be asked for that which is not due.

—Epictetus, Enchiridion

Al Capone committed crime after crime and got away with it. His one mistake was not reporting the illegal income on his tax return, yet another crime. Capone paid Alcatraz a visit due to a tax evasion conviction. The government put in half efforts when it came to bootlegging and murder, but when the government was due some coin they pursued poor old Al relentlessly. And he could have avoided the whole unpleasant issue if he would have just reported his income from criminal activity.

Tax Planning Tip and Financial Planning Opportunity

It gets interesting here so follow me. You report illegal activity income on the front page of Form 1040, other income, Line 21 on your 2016 tax return. Listen close now. You only pay income tax on the illegal gains. There is no payroll tax or self-employment tax! This means you can bump off the local First National Bank and pay less tax on the haul than if you ran a legal enterprise! Talk about a fucked up system.

Let me remind you how crime works again. If you bump off the bank you are stealing ***FEDERAL RESERVE NOTES***. Eventually this comes out the government’s pockets and once again you have serious problems. Elliot Ness, or some similar character, will turn you into a project. Now if you kill somebody you will be fine, but where is the profit in that (unless you are a gun for hire).

Capone was on the right track: bootlegging. Ya gotta sell something illegal for this thing to work smooth. Drugs or stolen goods will work fine. To keep the government only working half-heartedly to disrupt your criminal enterprise you will need to report the income from said enterprise. If the government gets their cut they are implicit in your crime and deep down not bothered by your behavior. Cut them out of the loop and you would be better off stiffing the mob.

Here is the best part. You will only pay income tax. If you were an upstanding citizen (like a dumbass) you would pay self-employment tax on top of the income tax. But not you. You know how to run a business: either illegal or stay home. Who can afford to pay another 15% on top of the income tax? Honest people (in a sarcastic voice), that’s who.

Think Fast and Plan Ahead

We are not out of the woods yet. If I were an IRS auditor I would challenge a tax return claiming illegal income on the front page of 1040, especially if you have been doing it for a number of years. Here would be my angle as an IRS auditor. I would argue you started your illegal activity as a hobby. If you make a profit 3 out of 5 years the IRS automatically considers you a business whether you are doing it as a hobby or not. They do that to collect more self-employment tax. You’re starting to catch on, aren’t you?

673851993_23999eb911_bI have a few solutions to pre-plan any IRS BS argument in an audit. First, we have a new President coming into office promising to lower taxes on businesses to no more than 15%. Corporations don’t pay self-employment tax either. So, we can sit back and hope Trump sends us a massive gift, in which case we are more than happy to be called a business, or . . .

. . .  we can do what any hard working business person would do: take a multiyear vacation periodically. Consider it a form of early retirement or a side hustle. Well, hustle might be too strong of a word.

I know, I know. I can hear you through the internet already. You claim to be an honest man. Fuck honest! Honest hits you with bonus taxes criminals are not required to pay! If the government wanted you to conduct legal activities they would not reward you criminal behavior and punish the dip shits working those legal businesses. Everybody, especially the government, knows the real work gets done by the underground economy.

Think of it this way. Pretend you need to get some illegal shit across the border. You have to come up with some very creative ways to get the job done. The government appreciates the mindset because it is identical to the way government officials think when they are spying on another country. Get it?

There is no reason you can’t put the kids through college and retire early by using your head. A simple $100,000 profit in a criminal enterprise is taxed $15,000 less than a so-called honest business all due to the self-employment tax. There are other tax saving strategies if you start thinking about it, too. In 30 years you would save $450,000 in taxes. Invested in a broad-based index fund you would be well north of a million bucks. And what criminal stops at $100,000? You’re a smart guy. I bet you could do triple that a year.

A Few Caveats

Now is where I need to point out a few caveats so you don’t piss off the IRS. The marijuana industry is finding out the hard way how this works. Just because weed is legal in your state doesn’t change the fact it is illegal under federal law. If the activity is illegal under federal law you need to follow a few additional tax laws. The IRS has spent plenty of time thinking this through. They don’t care if you put bread on the table by breaking the law as long as they get their cut. So follow the rules. They are there for a reason. To keep you out of prison, unlike our buddy Al.

You are an industrious goodfella. You work hard and keep good records so you pay the appropriate cut to your Uncle, you know, the boss. The government does not allow most deductions in your type of business. Now before we start, these special laws only apply to drug dealers. If you are a contract killer or a prostitute you can write off all those “regular and necessary” expenses of your, ehem, business. Since we are treating this like a hobby by reporting the income on the front page of 1040, the deductions are reported on Schedule A, subject to 2% (look it up). You can’t show a loss, so be sure to only deduct expenses up to the level of reported income. Also be careful not to miss deductions. For example, if you decide to knock over the First National Bank against my advice, be sure to keep track of your mileage. It really adds up after a few bank jobs. Masks are another often missed legal deduction. And if you travel out of town to hit a bank and need to stay overnight (perhaps a short stint in the county jail) make sure you keep a record of the number of overnights. You do get a per diem deduction for meals and incidentals.

You are a smart businessperson and took the advice of a crazy, sorry, nationally renowned accountant from Wisconsin and built a drug business from the ground up with your own two hands. (You built that.) A law was passed back in the 1970s disallowing deductions to drug dealers against their illegal gains. (IRC Section 280E. And you thought I was making this shit up.) You still need good records because you CAN deduct your costs of goods sold since these expenses are not technically deductions; they are a subtraction from gross receipts used to derive gross income. (See, it pays to listen to your accountant. You can learn, and save, a lot.)

But there is a way around this dilemma for drug dealers. If you think about it there are two things going on in a drug dealing business similar to a pharmacy. One business is selling drugs and the other is providing advice and consulting. I recommend you keep excellent records while conducting business for both enterprises (drugs and the advice/consulting business) under one roof. The consulting business CAN deduct all those pesky rent, wage and utility expenses while the drug dealing operation gets the cost of goods sold allowance. (Californians Helping to Alleviate Med. Problems, Inc. v. Comm’r (CHAMP), 128 T.C. 173 (2007). Thought I was bullshitting you again, didn’t you?)

One More Thing

I gave you a lot to munch on. You learned running a legal business gets you fucked by the tax code and criminals get an awesome tax deal if they have good lawyers.  You also know I was pumping you full of it so don’t get any stupid idea. (Yes, I see you in the back row taking notes.)

This post is for the New Year’s holiday weekend. Go out and have fun. Don’t drink too much. Be safe. Most of all have fun. And laugh.

See you next year.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.

—Mark Twain

 

More Wealth Building Resources

Credit Cards can be a powerful money management tool when used correctly. Use this link to find a listing of the best credit card offers. You can expand your search to maximize cash and travel rewards.

Personal Capital is an incredible tool to manage all your investments in one place. You can watch your net worth grow as you reach toward financial independence and beyond. Did I mention Personal Capital is free?

Side Hustle Selling tradelines yields a high return compared to time invested, as much as $1,000 per hour. The tradeline company I use is Tradeline Supply Company. Let Darren know you are from The Wealthy Accountant. Call 888-844-8910, email Darren@TradelineSupply.com or read my review.

Medi-Share is a low cost way to manage health care costs. As health insurance premiums continue to sky rocket, there is an alternative preserving the wealth of families all over America. Here is my review of Medi-Share and additional resources to bring health care under control in your household.

QuickBooks is a daily part of life in my office. Managing a business requires accurate books without wasting time. QuickBooks is an excellent tool for managing your business, rental properties, side hustle and personal finances.

cost segregation study can reduce taxes $100,000 for income property owners. Here is my review of how cost segregation studies work and how to get one yourself.

Amazon is a good way to control costs by comparison shopping. The cost of a product includes travel to the store. When you start a shopping trip to Amazon here it also supports this blog. Thank you very much!

 

Free College Education and a Free Car Too

Before we get started I need to add a disclaimer up front. Periodically a topic comes up at the office where I shed financial advice in a less than politically correct manner. What you read here is a scene that took place as I left the office last night. When I get into one of those moods—usually induced by an overdose of caffeine—the advice I give is solid coupled with a massive dose of sarcasm. If you are easily offended you might want to take a pass on today’s post.

Free College

The topic of college costs came up and the payment of student loans. I have no sympathy. Student loans are a cancer that need to be excised immediately. The argument was other debt should be paid first before student loans. I disagreed. Let’s listen in on the conversation.

Tyler speaking to Dawn: You shouldn’t pay off student loans first.

Wealthy Accountant: Yes you should. Do you know how hard student loans are to discharge? The darn things follow you like the plague.

Tyler: But she has a car loan.

Dawn: The interest is higher on the car.

WA: Yeah, yeah, I forgot about that. Yes, you should pay the higher interest loan off first. You shouldn’t have student loans in the first place. You don’t need student loans to go to college; it’s not part of the curriculum.

Dawn: I did pay for college on my own. I needed money to live so I used my student loans to pay bills.

WA: Insane! You used borrowed money to live!? Borrowed money you can’t even get away from no matter how bad things gets!? The first test of going to college is getting there. Student loans are not “getting there”; it is cheating. If you don’t have enough money to go to college you need to find the money to get there. That is the test. I never borrowed a penny to attend college.

Dawn: But college was cheaper back then and you never finished or got a degree.

WA: Smart ass! Back then minimum wage was $3.25 an hour and I worked on the family farm for 50 cents an hour. Don’t tell me about how hard it is.  There are more scholarships today than ever before. If you don’t have money to attend college you get grants and scholarships. Period. If you can’t find scholarships and get them you are unqualified to go to college because you failed the first test. And as for never finishing college or getting a degree, I started a business, this business. I can always hire people with degrees. I only needed to have the education. I have no need or desire to have a piece of paper hanging on the wall telling the world how smart I am. My piece of paper is that sign out in front of the building. It says I own this fucking place and make the rules around here. Beats any college degree I ever would have earned. I never wanted a degree; I wanted an education. I took business and accounting classes to teach me what I needed to know and took sociology and psych classes so I could understand how the fuck people think. [It sounds like I was coming off angry; I wasn’t. I was smiling the whole time and everyone knew I was being sarcastic and on a roll.]

Dawn: Well, I have the student loans now so there is nothing I can do.

Free Car

WA: Oh, yes there is.

Dawn: How? I have a car payment that is killing me.

WA: What is your car payment?

Dawn: About $400.

WA: Okay, here is what you do. You sell the car and buy a replacement for cash. If all you have is $500 then that is all the car you can afford. Even if the damn thing dies in 5 weeks you are still ahead. Take the $400 you would have made in car payments and put it in the bank. In a year you can buy a nicer, more dependable car.

Dawn: I did that once. My old boss sold me a car for $2,000. He was nice and forgave the last few payments to him because the transmission died when I went to Milwaukee. It cost $2,500 to fix the car so I didn’t have a car again.

WA [faints, sniffing salts bring him back]: Are you out of your fucking mind! $2,500! You know what I would have done? I would have went over the Jahnke’s [Jahnke’s is a local auto salvage yard] and got a transmission there for $350 or less. It’s an old car, who cares about new parts. Then you take it over to the high school or tech college and offer it as a shop projects. Shit, you offer some kids a couple hundred bucks to drop the transmission and they’d be cumming in their pants for a week. Hell, some of the guys working at Jahnke’s probably moonlight. Cheaper than shit. By the way, remember when a deer hit my car. Yes, the deer hit my car; I did not hit the deer. Damn thing hit the side panel over the front wheel well. I asked my insurance and they said it would cost $4,000 to fix and I have a $1,000 deductible. I checked around and a guy over in Sherwood does body work charging $800. Know what I did? Saved $200 up front and dropped collision on my car, saving several hundred more per year. It’s not worth it.

Dawn: It doesn’t matter. I don’t have $500 for a car.

WA: Wonderful! Here is what you do. Sell the damn car and rent a vehicle. Yeah! Rent a vehicle. Enterprise says they’ll pick you up. Call their bluff. Fuck’em. Tell’em you need to be to work by eight so they better have their ass over here by seven. They’ll do it. Get the cheapest car they have. Use a credit card with a bonus reward and get the car for less than what you are paying now. Think of it this way. The credit card gives you 2% back and gives you a tax-free $500 cash bonus after you spend three grand. Right. You only rent the car for the days you need and carpool the rest of the days. If the car breaks down it is the rental company’s problem. Oil changes, tires are all the rental company’s problem. Most credit cards include free car insurance when you use their card to pay for the rental. Just check with the credit card company. Credit cards can have some really good deals people never use. Now take the money you would have paid and put it in the bank. In a year or so you have enough to buy your own car. Ta-daa!

Dawn: Man, you are tight. Where do you come up with all this stuff?

cat tracksFinale

I was on a role by this time so understand what you are about to read might offend some people. This is your last chance to bail.

WA: Well, you see, about four, five years ago my oldest daughter started looking into the family history. It seems there it some Jewish blood on my mother’s side. It does explain why I felt oppressed all these years. So all this stuff comes naturally to me because I am a Jew. I am also German. A German Jew. So I can tell kraut jokes, and for four or five years now I can tell Jew jokes. You see, I can’t use the “N” word because I am not black. I’m a kraut so I can tell kraut jokes; as fortune would have it, I’m also a tiny bit Jew, so I tell a tiny few Jewish jokes especially when it comes to money. Imagine for a moment if you will if I were a black German Jew. Can you imagine the jokes I could tell. I could be shot in the back while unarmed by the police while charging you usury rates on a loan while feeling superior to all the world. Imagine. Instead, I am just a humble accountant. A wealthy accountant, for sure. But what would you expect; I am a Jew.

Straight Face

Okay, I offended everyone by now and I don’t care. I always make the joke about me and I never degrade someone outside the groups/s I run in. Truth is frugality is not a Jewish trait; it is the trait of smart people. Calling someone a Jew because they are frugal is a compliment, you know. I get carried away at times, but there is something to learn when I spew my sick, distorted humor. As carried away as I get, there is a grain of truth to my rant.

Find massive credit card bonuses here.

College is expensive and more difficult to pay for than in my younger days. But there are more scholarship opportunities than ever before, too. I hate student loans with a passion. I would do anything to avoid such caustic debt. I agree with Tyler, pay off the higher interest loan first. Then role up your sleeves and put a nail right through the skull of that student loan. Yes, it is okay to pay it off early. The fucking student loan in not, I repeat, not a 30 year mortgage. Stop treating it like one.

My car ideas get waaaay out there. I get it. Dawn really does need a car to get to work. Biking is impossible where she lives compared to my office. I shared different advice with her on that: Sell the house, move closer to work and live without a car until you can afford one. A taxi is cheaper (or Uber) the few times a month you need to run errands with the need for trunk space. Using credit cards with bonuses and a car rental also has merit. I’m not saying it is the way to go, but you should run the numbers. If money is tight you take whatever steps are necessary to solve the problem. You don’t need a car; there are alternatives. Lots of them.

Take control of your life. Reduce spending below your income level, investing the rest. Don’t tell me that is Jewish either, “Not that there is anything wrong with that”, as Seinfeld would say. Spending responsibly, saving, investing, expecting a profit on your business ventures, demanding interest on loans issued, and carefully managing your money is NOT Jewish; it is capitalist! And you, my friend are a capitalist! Now I want you to go back and re-read this post and replace the word Jew and Jewish with capitalist. There. It wasn’t so bad. Now you have nothing to be offended by unless you have something against capitalists. Do you?

I have an unfair advantage over you in all this. I am a Jew; something like one-eighth Jew, if my daughter’s calculations are correct. It was enough to give me an advantage over you. Some guys have all the luck. Live with it. Remember, you can learn a lot from a capitalist, I mean, a Jew.