In a breaking news story sure to rock the FIRE (financial independence/retire early) community, Mr. Money Mustache (MMM) has fired his accountant for refusing to take early retirement.
You may recall Mr. Mustache is the leader of this massive FIRE movement sweeping the planet. Suze Orman has never been the same since she said she “hates, hates, hates” the FIRE movement. Now it has come to light the leader of the New World Order has ordered the hit on his now former accountant for refusing to take a knee prior to normal retirement age for a public official (age 55).
His former accountant, aka The Wealthy Accountant (TWA), kept a stiff upper lip when he broke the news earlier this year. However, the paparazzi knew something was afoot when Mr. Accountant had a tear at the corner of his eye.
A secret recording — actually, an illegal wiretap — revealed MMM putting the thumbscrews to TWA. That poor (relatively speaking) accountant cried out like a stuck pig. (He does come from a farming background so what else would you expect.)
The wiretap revealed MMM demanding his accountant take an early retirement while it could still be considered “early”. You can hear the accountant’s refusal through racking sobs. God help us if the recording is ever released.
After TWA regained his composure he tried to reason with MMM. He said, “If I retire who will do your tax return?”
MMM never missed a beat. “Once you retire I start work on the IRS auditors. Once they retire early then I’ll get every government official to retire early. Then . . . ”
“. . . we’ll have anarchy,” I finished the sentence.
And that is where we stand. One unemployed accountant (not technically retired) is trying to pull the pieces together. He stands hunched over most of the time now until he notices someone watching. Then he straightens up with his shoulders back, facing up slightly, staring into the distance. It would be a thing of beauty if it wasn’t so sad.
If anyone thinks this is a serious post come over here so I can slap you. The idea was for a humorous post with the FIRE community center stage in the flavor of The Onion. We can call our production The Turnip: Just like The Onion, only tastes better.
Now it is your turn. Share a funny news headline about our demographic in the comments. Add a short story if you want. (Keep it clean. This is a family restaurant.)
Finally, I hope your summer is going great! Let’s have some wonderful midsummer fun (at our own expense).
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