10 Things My Dad Says . . .

Yeah, I’m the coolest kid in school with a car like this.

Hey, everyone! My dad took off for a conference I think he said is called FinCon. That would make me a junior accountant, or, as “dad says”, a junette, since I’m a girl.

As luck would have it my dad left his computer on (as if a password would stop me). I’m pretty good at IT so I figured I could write a post while he was out. Besides, how will he find time to write when he is sooooo busy doing important stuff like talking to people about money? And he left his computer at home! Sucker!

Anyway, I kinda had this whole thing planned out. I more like helped dad forget his computer so I could spread my gospel, too. Dad has the platform and I have the brains. The plane couldn’t leave the ground fast enough for me.

You see, last week dad started giving me crap about driving the car to school. We live out in the boondocks and I am the first one on the bus and the last one off. That means three hours of my life evaporates into smoke every day I ride the bus. There is only so much time a kid needs to think and play video games.

Anyway, dad asked if I showered at school after gym class. I told him we don’t have time to shower since the bus comes about five minutes after class ends. He whined about me not showering when I take the car and DO have time to shower. Truth is, I don’t like the school showers.

My dad says I should take a shower at school so we save money at home from heating water. What a tightwad! Did he ever tell you guys he saved a few nickels over the years and did pretty well for himself? Well, you wouldn’t know it if you saw this place. (Or the car he has me drive. I’ll include a picture so you can see for yourself how much I suffer.) Poverty, folks. Sheer, unadulterated poverty, is what I live in. How do I do it?

It ended up in a fight when I refused to budge. I’m not taking a shower at school! When the fight was over I cussed dad out, kicked him in the shins and stormed out. No! Wait! That’s what I was thinking.

What really happened is I rolled my eyes and said I’m going write a book titled: My Dad Says . . . .

I’m seventeen and I figure if that Money Mustache guy dad always blabbers on about can retire by 30, I can beat him by twelve years. I’ll plagiarize all dad’s advice and put it into neat little packets, each beginning with: My Dad Says . . . . It ought to be worth a few bucks, right?

I’ll package the whole thing in a book, sell a few million copies and live the easy life before I graduate high school.




Grandma!?

To make this whole situation worse, dad took mom with him and my sister is off to college so I looked forward to the house all to myself with our cat, Pinky. Except, at the last minute, dad seemed to lose faith in me as grandma walked in the door to spend the week with Pinky and me. And where grandma goes, grandpa goes. Did I mention they both have their concealed carry? If I try to sneak out of the house with that awesome car dad provided me I’ll be winged by grandma before I get twenty feet!

This unsavory turn of events left me with plenty of time to pound out a post for dad he’s sure to be proud of.

Wisdom

Hey, would you guys like to hear some of dad’s golden nuggets? Thought so.

Before you get too excited, I intend on using these examples as marketing material. Let me know what you think.

1.) My dad says I’m as smart as I’ll ever be. It’s all downhill from here as I discover all the stuff I don’t know.

You know, my dad can be a real boob sometimes.

2.) My dad says he walked uphill to and from school every day. Even the weekends, just for practice. In snow! Fourteen feet deep. On the good days!

My dad really thinks I’m stupid sometimes. I know there is no school on the weekends.

3.) My dad says reading is one of the most important things I can do. He says there is a direct correlation between what I earn, my net worth and the amount of TV I watch. The more TV, the poorer I will be.

Thanks for the advice dad, but I don’t watch much TV. Video games!

4.) My dad says I should save a minimum of half what I earn.

Yeah, yeah, dad. Heard it before.

5.) My dad says I should invest in either a total market index fund or an S&P 500 index fund at Vanguard and leave my fingers off it.

Yeah, dad. I know Vanguard has low fees. Yeah, I know you can’t beat the market consistently if you trade. Yeah, I know if I leave it alone it will turn into a really big amount over time. Well, dad! You forgot your youngest daughter has a book deal and I’m borderline diva.

6.) My dad says I should never stop learning.

This is related to the reading thing. I’m not the biggest fan of school like my older sister, but now that I’m a senior I’m starting to think the tech school might give me an advantage. I enjoy working outside and work for grandma doing landscaping and such. It’s fun work I enjoy. If the book deal falls through I think I’m going to work with my hands outside. Come to think of it, I might work regardless what happens with the book deal. You have to do something with your time. It may as well be something you enjoy. Right?




7.) My dad says to find friends who challenge me.

He also says I should hang around people who are doers. If I hang with buds who don’t accomplish anything I’ll never be forced to push my bounds. People who get things done are the kind of people you want to socialize with. They end up business partners, friends, clients and leaders. Good friends make all the difference. It can make or break a girl. Got it, dad.

8.) My dad says to socialize with good people.

Kinda like number 7, I think. What I think dad means to say is ‘all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.’ Well, last I checked I wasn’t a boy, but the rule still applies. Enjoy free time with good friends.

9.) My dad says to be deliberate in everything I do.

Dad can speak in Coptic at times, but let me spell out what he’s getting at. What he means to say (and needs an intelligent child to translate) is that I should eat right and get enough sleep. To not worry about the little things, or anything I don’t have control over for that matter. He means I should vote, but not get pissed off when my candidate loses or when government officials let us down. If I can do something to change the situation, I should; if not, then there is no need to waste precious time worrying about it.

This deliberate thing always concerns me. I see dad think things through a lot with business decisions. He intentionally talks about money, family, relationships, politics, his love for mom, sex (Eww! Old people sex.) and anything else that comes to mind in front of my sister and me. Dad’s a pretty open guy with the whole family.

Dad is right. Family is all that matters.

Dad thinks a lot. He researches. When he decides what steps he wants to take he finds the right people to surround himself with to get the best results. It takes a lot of time when the issues are big.

Most of all, dad is deliberate about money. He saves and invests, of course. But it’s more than that. He thinks long and hard before spending money. He knows the smallest part of the cost is the purchase price. Keeping, storing, insuring and using a thing consume more money and TIME. Time is the most precious commodity we have, dad says. Use it wisely.

Dad says we must always be good stewards of our gifts. Our money, our family, friends and time are precious resources never to be squandered.

My dad says the richest man on Earth has the exact same amount of time each day I have. They are successful because of what they did with that day.

10.) My dad says to make time for family every day.

Dad is also very deliberate in expressing his love for us. He can really be a dork at times, but mom, my sister and I never doubt dad loves us. He makes us feel wanted all the time. No matter how bad I screw up I always know dad will be with me.

You know, it’s kinda strange having a dad who cares so much. Not all the kids at school are so lucky. He may walk around the house singing crazy songs and telling stupid stories, but he really is okay.

Anyways, I got to go. This is getting long and my dad says I should turn things off when not in use to save energy and money.

If you see him down at FinCon, let him know I took care of his blog for him while he was gone.

Also tell dad grandma winged Roger when he came over to buy a dozen eggs. (Grandma is itching for someone to “Go ahead, make my day.”) He should be out of the hospital by the time they get back. Roger is sure jumpy when he drives past the house now.

Go figure.

Once again, here are my notes as I prepared this post. Writers may find value in my writing process so I include my unedited notes periodically. My daughter’s name is redacted for security reasons. And yes, my parent’s are lurking about when I am out of town and yes, they do have their concealed carry. Please, for your own safety, do not startle them.

 

I asked [redacted] about showering at school after gym so she wouldn’t have to do it at home, saving dad money. She said she isn’t given enough time to shower, but it’s her last class. She would miss the bus if she showered, drives  to school a bit extra because the bus ride is a solid 1 1/2 hours to get home.

I started teasing her she could shower at school after gym is she took the car. The utility savings would pay for the gas to drive to school.

I then said [redacted] will start every story she tells her friends with, “My dad says . . . ” It morphed into, the first book [redacted] writes will be titled: My Dad Says.

This could be a fun post playing on all the things “Dad Says” from [redacted]’s perspective. It would be funniest written as if [redacted] were the author. A fun piece with loads of meaning on living right.



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Keith Schroeder

7 Comments

  1. Jim @ Route To Retire on October 23, 2017 at 8:44 am

    That’s awesome… and good advice!

    — Jim

  2. wcrn on October 23, 2017 at 10:07 am

    Loved it. Kids are great. Having a family is a beautiful and harrowing experience.

    • Keith Schroeder on October 23, 2017 at 12:15 pm

      Try raising parents, wcrn. The worst, I tell you, the worst.

  3. Mike on October 23, 2017 at 12:09 pm

    You’re a good writer. And that was funny. Thanks for that.

    I’m in my 60z and if I could have given my young self one piece of advice , it would have been your 7 & 8. Sadly, let’s just say I chose friends from the darker side. That decision alone set the course for the rest of my life.

    As far as taking a shower at school–I vote that you have your dad install a jacuzzi and sauna. Perhaps an on-line poll might convince TWA.

    • Keith Schroeder on October 23, 2017 at 12:14 pm

      Hey, Mike. Junette Accountant here. As I said, I live a difficult life. We already have a Jacuzzi (rarely used), sauna (never used, dad uses the one at the gym) and a hot tub we only use in the cold winter months. If you see my dad, remind him his daughter is suffering tremendously. Tremendously!!!

      Seriously, you made bad choices when younger; join the crowd. My dad is no saint; I’m the only one around here with a halo. The important thing is you finally found your way. Not everybody can say that.

  4. thehappywayfarer on October 23, 2017 at 3:54 pm

    I would never ask or even allow my child to shower at school. I was a nerd in high school and the jocks were always looking for an excuse to stuff me in a locker. Taking my clothes off at school would just have been asking to get my a$$ kicked. And that was before camera phones and instagram.

  5. Joey Graziano on October 24, 2017 at 11:45 am

    Ha this is great! I have been so inspired by my twice retired Grandpa and his frugally motivated wealth generation tactics that I have thought about writing a post with a similar title, “My Grandpa says.”

    As a 32 yr old FI, I just wish my Grandpa could see me know. I am forever grateful for his financial sermons. Thanks for the post Mr. Shroeder! Your story brought back great memories. 🙂

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